Friday, May 18, 2012

{On This Day} {May 18th}

On this day --- three years ago

The ordinary became extraordinary.

We all know the story --- boy meets girl --- sparks fly --- they fall --- first comes love then comes marriage style.

It happens for most people at some point in time, and it happened for us on this day, three years ago.

We moved fast --- too fast in some people's opinion --- we were a couple almost immediately. Completely inseparable --- We still are --- In the 1,096 days that have passed since, we have only been apart for 4 of them {Too many, if you ask us}.

I've always been too much of a REALIST cynic to believe in love at first sight, but looking back, I can see that's exactly what it was.

Nick won my heart at record speed, and has cared for it tenderly each day since.




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Now, fast forward 2 years from then --- or rewind 1 from now {Confused yet?}

Either way, you'll land on this day --- one year ago

We were at the doctors about to find out if we indeed were viably pregnant, or if an early miscarriage or ectopic pregnancy were the cause of my positive pregnancy test from 10 days earlier.

As you know from my May 8th post, I had an appointment the following day to discuss and formulate a plan to take care of my cysts and solid mass that had taken up unwelcome residency on my ovaries. However, the day before that appointment, I tested positive with an at home pregnancy test, which would shift the entire game plan if it were a for real positive.

However, at that appointment, my OB-GYN did an ultrasound, and couldn't find any evidence of a pregnancy. Her immediate concern was that we were dealing with an ectopic pregnancy, so she sent me for a second opinion and to get further imaging done, but it was all inconclusive --- The second --- and very desensitized --- opinion we got was that I was definitely not pregnant, at least not with a viable pregnancy, and that it seemed, in addition to my ovarian problems, I had endometriosis, which would also make it difficult for me to ever become pregnant. He said that I most likely was dealing with an early ectopic pregnancy or that I was literally in the middle of a miscarriage.

I was heartbroken, and with my voice quivering with hopelessness, I asked him if it was at all possible i was pregnant, but that maybe it was just too early to see anything --- he said it was possible --- but highly unlikely.

My OB-GYN then ordered blood work to be done on me a couple times a few days apart in order to check my hormone levels, and we scheduled another appointment to discuss the results.

So on this day, a year ago, we were waiting --- nervously --- to hear those results. Either - A - my hormones tapered off, which would indicate a miscarriage or - B - They would show an increase indicating either ectopic or possibly normal pregnancy.

It was B --- and against all the odds given us, it appeared to be a normal pregnancy!

On this day, one year ago, Nick and I caught the first glimpse of our daughter --- just the tiniest of gestational sacks --- seemingly empty --- but full of hope.

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

{On This Day} {May 8th}

On this day --- One year ago --- I was having a bad day.

It was one of those days that started with a big Eeyore cloud above it, which seemed to expand with each passing hour.


It was Mother's Day, 2011, and as many of you know from my last post --- I was dealing with some medical news blues, and Mother's Day was a hard day to face wondering if I would ever be blessed enough to be able to be a Mother.

I got out of bed, and got ready for work, happy for once to be working on a Sunday --- Happy to be able to forget for the next 8 hours about my worries and just lease some apartments --- but that's not what happened.

When I got to work, I saw a huge vase of different colored carnations {my least favorite flower} and was instructed by management to offer the flowers to residents and prospects a like as a Mother's Day token.

I had to have seen about a hundred people that day, many of whom were Mothers. I did my best to give them a genuine smile as I offered them flowers and congratulations, but I just wanted to cry. I was plagued with worry over my follow up appointment that was scheduled for the following day {May 9th}, worried about all the possible outcomes --- worries that had radically multiplied since my ER visit a few weeks prior; and suddenly my day to forget --- this day, one year ago --- irrevocably became a day of perpetuating reminders.

I got home on my lunch break, and was met at the door by my husband, who immediately could tell I was having a difficult day. I had held it together as best I could, but in the safety of our home and my husbands arms, I lost it.

I don't know if it was hope, or fear that propelled my next action, but I marched directly to the restroom, peed on a stick, and cast it aside without waiting to see the results --- I already knew what it would say. NO. Like the doctor said --- until we got my issues sorted, children would not be in our future. I put my head down and cried.

Nick came in to check on me a couple minutes later, and somewhere in between my incoherent sobs he saw the pregnancy test. He asked me if I had just taken it, and why --- I told him that before some doctor goes poking and prodding around up there tomorrow at my appointment, starting treatments, and scheduling surgery --- I just wanted to check again and make sure there was nothing we needed to protect. I said it was stupid, illogical, and that I knew it was a no --- of course it's a no --- it will always be a NO!

But just then, Nick got a closer look, and with a wash of shock over his face and the most giddy smile I've ever seen, he said, "I think it's a yes --- that's what 2 lines means, right?". We lost it --- together this time --- in complete and utter elation.

Unfortunately, our elation was cut short. But more on that later.