Wednesday, July 11, 2012

{I know} {It's been a while}

I know, it's been a while since I've blogged, and honestly there isn't much I have time to write right now, but that doesn't mean there's not anything to tell --- so you'll just have to stay tuned for future posts ;-)

There have been a lot of changes happening, a lot of possibilities on the horizon, and Brontë has been rockin our world every day a long the way --- gosh I love her --- but truthfully, this post isn't going to go in depth with any of it.

I just know that if I don't get blogging again soon, I probably won't get blogging ever. So, to kick off getting back into the swing of things {was that 2 unrelated sports references I just mixed together?} here's a little video I took today of our little water baby in the pool for the first time.

*As always --- go pause my "iPOD" on the right hand side of the page so you don't have to deal with competing audio*

Thursday, June 7, 2012

{You'll find him} {Next to me}

With our 2 year wedding anniversary just days away, I'm finding myself particularly reminiscent, thankful, and in the deepest love I'd ever imagined could be shared between a man and woman.

I love you Nick. I always will.

Though our relationship has been riddled with challenges from the beginning, and it's never been "easy", I honestly would never have wanted it to be --- You see --- with every hardship, your love and loyalty have been set a flame --- You are a resonating blaze within my soul --- You have lead me with fierce grace, and our love has gained a lasting glow that can only be achieved traversing the fires. Thank you for your love.

Friday, May 18, 2012

{On This Day} {May 18th}

On this day --- three years ago

The ordinary became extraordinary.

We all know the story --- boy meets girl --- sparks fly --- they fall --- first comes love then comes marriage style.

It happens for most people at some point in time, and it happened for us on this day, three years ago.

We moved fast --- too fast in some people's opinion --- we were a couple almost immediately. Completely inseparable --- We still are --- In the 1,096 days that have passed since, we have only been apart for 4 of them {Too many, if you ask us}.

I've always been too much of a REALIST cynic to believe in love at first sight, but looking back, I can see that's exactly what it was.

Nick won my heart at record speed, and has cared for it tenderly each day since.


Now, fast forward 2 years from then --- or rewind 1 from now {Confused yet?}

Either way, you'll land on this day --- one year ago

We were at the doctors about to find out if we indeed were viably pregnant, or if an early miscarriage or ectopic pregnancy were the cause of my positive pregnancy test from 10 days earlier.

As you know from my May 8th post, I had an appointment the following day to discuss and formulate a plan to take care of my cysts and solid mass that had taken up unwelcome residency on my ovaries. However, the day before that appointment, I tested positive with an at home pregnancy test, which would shift the entire game plan if it were a for real positive.

However, at that appointment, my OB-GYN did an ultrasound, and couldn't find any evidence of a pregnancy. Her immediate concern was that we were dealing with an ectopic pregnancy, so she sent me for a second opinion and to get further imaging done, but it was all inconclusive --- The second --- and very desensitized --- opinion we got was that I was definitely not pregnant, at least not with a viable pregnancy, and that it seemed, in addition to my ovarian problems, I had endometriosis, which would also make it difficult for me to ever become pregnant. He said that I most likely was dealing with an early ectopic pregnancy or that I was literally in the middle of a miscarriage.

I was heartbroken, and with my voice quivering with hopelessness, I asked him if it was at all possible i was pregnant, but that maybe it was just too early to see anything --- he said it was possible --- but highly unlikely.

My OB-GYN then ordered blood work to be done on me a couple times a few days apart in order to check my hormone levels, and we scheduled another appointment to discuss the results.

So on this day, a year ago, we were waiting --- nervously --- to hear those results. Either - A - my hormones tapered off, which would indicate a miscarriage or - B - They would show an increase indicating either ectopic or possibly normal pregnancy.

It was B --- and against all the odds given us, it appeared to be a normal pregnancy!

On this day, one year ago, Nick and I caught the first glimpse of our daughter --- just the tiniest of gestational sacks --- seemingly empty --- but full of hope.

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

{On This Day} {May 8th}

On this day --- One year ago --- I was having a bad day.

It was one of those days that started with a big Eeyore cloud above it, which seemed to expand with each passing hour.

It was Mother's Day, 2011, and as many of you know from my last post --- I was dealing with some medical news blues, and Mother's Day was a hard day to face wondering if I would ever be blessed enough to be able to be a Mother.

I got out of bed, and got ready for work, happy for once to be working on a Sunday --- Happy to be able to forget for the next 8 hours about my worries and just lease some apartments --- but that's not what happened.

When I got to work, I saw a huge vase of different colored carnations {my least favorite flower} and was instructed by management to offer the flowers to residents and prospects a like as a Mother's Day token.

I had to have seen about a hundred people that day, many of whom were Mothers. I did my best to give them a genuine smile as I offered them flowers and congratulations, but I just wanted to cry. I was plagued with worry over my follow up appointment that was scheduled for the following day {May 9th}, worried about all the possible outcomes --- worries that had radically multiplied since my ER visit a few weeks prior; and suddenly my day to forget --- this day, one year ago --- irrevocably became a day of perpetuating reminders.

I got home on my lunch break, and was met at the door by my husband, who immediately could tell I was having a difficult day. I had held it together as best I could, but in the safety of our home and my husbands arms, I lost it.

I don't know if it was hope, or fear that propelled my next action, but I marched directly to the restroom, peed on a stick, and cast it aside without waiting to see the results --- I already knew what it would say. NO. Like the doctor said --- until we got my issues sorted, children would not be in our future. I put my head down and cried.

Nick came in to check on me a couple minutes later, and somewhere in between my incoherent sobs he saw the pregnancy test. He asked me if I had just taken it, and why --- I told him that before some doctor goes poking and prodding around up there tomorrow at my appointment, starting treatments, and scheduling surgery --- I just wanted to check again and make sure there was nothing we needed to protect. I said it was stupid, illogical, and that I knew it was a no --- of course it's a no --- it will always be a NO!

But just then, Nick got a closer look, and with a wash of shock over his face and the most giddy smile I've ever seen, he said, "I think it's a yes --- that's what 2 lines means, right?". We lost it --- together this time --- in complete and utter elation.

Unfortunately, our elation was cut short. But more on that later.

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

{On This Day} {April 24th}

On this day, one year ago ---

It was Easter, and I found myself in the ER.

It was then, that I was diagnosed as having 5 large ovarian cyst, one of which ---the largest one--- was solid, and especially concerning. There was a rumored 6th cyst that had ruptured that day--- the pain from which was what brought us in to the ER, and face-to-face with a very real possibility that we may not be able to have children.

Although, it wasn't completely out of the question, the doctor on call broke it down for us as such: until we can treat my cysts, and remove/diagnose the ominous mass that was literally pulling my ovary downward, and threatening to twist it --- a baby would not be in our future. They explained that in surgery for cysts this size, many times they have to remove part or all of the ovary, and that if we didn't remove the mass soon, and it twisted, my right ovary would most likely die from a lack of blood supply.

Having that 6th cyst rupture that day left me in the most excruciating physical pain I had ever experienced --- true even to this day. But the emotional pain I felt looking at my husband --- who wanted deeply to be a father --- while the doctors told us that the possibility of having children may be in very real danger, was much worse.

Little did anyone know --- BUT GOD --- that HE chose this very vulnerable time, to work through our weakness and fear to prove himself BIGGER than medical probability. You see, on this day one year ago --- I was already pregnant.

Still too early to be picked up on ultrasound {which I had 3 of that day} and even too soon to come up with a positive reading on a pregnancy test {which I had 2 of that day}, she was there--- probably just a floating zygote looking for a comfy place to lay her head embed --- but she was there! My darling Brontë --- My living altar of remembrance that God is sovereign ---My little miss--- The ever constant gravity in my heart which brings me continually to my knees ---


"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you; before you were born I set you apart."
– Jeremiah 1:5