Tuesday, May 8, 2012

{On This Day} {May 8th}

On this day --- One year ago --- I was having a bad day.

It was one of those days that started with a big Eeyore cloud above it, which seemed to expand with each passing hour.


It was Mother's Day, 2011, and as many of you know from my last post --- I was dealing with some medical news blues, and Mother's Day was a hard day to face wondering if I would ever be blessed enough to be able to be a Mother.

I got out of bed, and got ready for work, happy for once to be working on a Sunday --- Happy to be able to forget for the next 8 hours about my worries and just lease some apartments --- but that's not what happened.

When I got to work, I saw a huge vase of different colored carnations {my least favorite flower} and was instructed by management to offer the flowers to residents and prospects a like as a Mother's Day token.

I had to have seen about a hundred people that day, many of whom were Mothers. I did my best to give them a genuine smile as I offered them flowers and congratulations, but I just wanted to cry. I was plagued with worry over my follow up appointment that was scheduled for the following day {May 9th}, worried about all the possible outcomes --- worries that had radically multiplied since my ER visit a few weeks prior; and suddenly my day to forget --- this day, one year ago --- irrevocably became a day of perpetuating reminders.

I got home on my lunch break, and was met at the door by my husband, who immediately could tell I was having a difficult day. I had held it together as best I could, but in the safety of our home and my husbands arms, I lost it.

I don't know if it was hope, or fear that propelled my next action, but I marched directly to the restroom, peed on a stick, and cast it aside without waiting to see the results --- I already knew what it would say. NO. Like the doctor said --- until we got my issues sorted, children would not be in our future. I put my head down and cried.

Nick came in to check on me a couple minutes later, and somewhere in between my incoherent sobs he saw the pregnancy test. He asked me if I had just taken it, and why --- I told him that before some doctor goes poking and prodding around up there tomorrow at my appointment, starting treatments, and scheduling surgery --- I just wanted to check again and make sure there was nothing we needed to protect. I said it was stupid, illogical, and that I knew it was a no --- of course it's a no --- it will always be a NO!

But just then, Nick got a closer look, and with a wash of shock over his face and the most giddy smile I've ever seen, he said, "I think it's a yes --- that's what 2 lines means, right?". We lost it --- together this time --- in complete and utter elation.

Unfortunately, our elation was cut short. But more on that later.

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