{Wordless} {Thursday?}

{On This Day} {April 24th}

On this day, one year ago ---

It was Easter, and I found myself in the ER.

It was then, that I was diagnosed as having 5 large ovarian cyst, one of which ---the largest one--- was solid, and especially concerning. There was a rumored 6th cyst that had ruptured that day--- the pain from which was what brought us in to the ER, and face-to-face with a very real possibility that we may not be able to have children.

Although, it wasn't completely out of the question, the doctor on call broke it down for us as such: until we can treat my cysts, and remove/diagnose the ominous mass that was literally pulling my ovary downward, and threatening to twist it --- a baby would not be in our future. They explained that in surgery for cysts this size, many times they have to remove part or all of the ovary, and that if we didn't remove the mass soon, and it twisted, my right ovary would most likely die from a lack of blood supply.

Having that 6th cyst rupture that day left me in the most excruciating physical pain I had ever experienced --- true even to this day. But the emotional pain I felt looking at my husband --- who wanted deeply to be a father --- while the doctors told us that the possibility of having children may be in very real danger, was much worse.

Little did anyone know --- BUT GOD --- that HE chose this very vulnerable time, to work through our weakness and fear to prove himself BIGGER than medical probability. You see, on this day one year ago --- I was already pregnant.

Still too early to be picked up on ultrasound {which I had 3 of that day} and even too soon to come up with a positive reading on a pregnancy test {which I had 2 of that day}, she was there--- probably just a floating zygote looking for a comfy place to lay her head embed --- but she was there! My darling Brontë --- My living altar of remembrance that God is sovereign ---My little miss--- The ever constant gravity in my heart which brings me continually to my knees ---

SHE. WAS. THERE.

"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you; before you were born I set you apart."
– Jeremiah 1:5

{Wordless} {Choice}

{Brontë} {Baby Push-Ups}

This was taken about a month ago while waiting to see her doctor for her well baby check up --- just now got around to sharing it.

{Just when you have it down}

Just when you have it down --- You don't.

MOTHERHOOD.

This week has been rather interesting --- Maybe I should preface this by saying that other than Brontë's time in the NICU and some related concerns after bringing her home, she has been a pretty easy breezy baby --- always sleeping great --- not fussy unless for a specific "I'm hungry", "I need a new diaper" sort of reason {or of course the predictable disdain she shows for her car seat}, but this last week she started showing those tell-tale signs that she's beginning to teeth --- super slobbers --- fussy --- biting on anything she can fit in her mouth --- waking up every couple hours through the night like she's in pain --- nursing every opportunity she gets etc.

Upon inspection, my husband and I are seeing whitish areas and various points seemingly trying to poke through --- even in the back! Could they really be MOLARS?! NO! They're suppose to get the front teeth first, right?!

Apparently, not always --- although not common, it can still be considered normal to teeth out of order --- sometimes referred to as Cross Cutting/Cross Teething.

I'm not 100% sure Brontë is Cross Teething, but it's definitely something we're paying more attention to.

Also, due to the fact that she's been nursing so much more than she typically does, I've been getting self conscious that maybe my milk production has plateaued --- maybe it's not full blown teething --- maybe she's not getting enough to eat!?

So, I started taking fenugreek a couple days ago, but now it seems I'm making too much milk and now she's having gas pain from overproduction and getting too much foremilk and not enough hindmilk to balance it! UGH!

Last week Brontë was a happy -- non-fussy --- smiley little angel, and now I think I've made a mess of it all --- trying to fix things that weren't really broken --- and I think it will take a few more days to get things back on track.

On the more positive side, we got Brontë an amber teething necklace, and there seems to be a noticeable decrease of fussiness when she is wearing it.

{Lessons}

Don't freak out --- fussiness to varying degrees is normal --- Don't be so quick to switch up what's been working and blaming everything on milk --- "what did I eat? am I producing enough?!"

Just like we have good and bad days, so do our little ones, and unnecessary changes can cause even more discomfort to you and your baby, so if it ain't really broke, don't fix it.

Be confident, be calm, and be consistent --- offering more cuddles and comfort to sooth your little love. More often than not, when you stress, they stress --- when you're at peace, they're at peace. So Check your mood.

{Why my daughter deserves SSI}

These days we all know someone that has worked the system to get benefits from the government that maybe they don't really need. Whether it's stretching out unemployment benefits because due to the economy you figure you can make more on unemployment than taking a job that pays less than you made in your hay day --- disability that is stretched out to be more than it really disables you --- or giving an oscar worthy performance to be able to claim worker's comp.

This is not the case with my daughter, and I will tell you why.

Although she is doing well now, with only a few continued medical concerns {ie choking, a heart PDA, hip dysplasia, and undetermined developmental effects from her brain bleed} Things weren't always this "EASY" {obviously, I use the word "easy" loosely and with the perspective that things have been a lot worse}

Back in January, I found out that preemies can qualify for SSI, and my husband and I immediately made an appointment to bring her in and file.

THey told us that it may take 3-5 months to reach a final decision, but that if we could bring in our medical records we should be able to start getting paid within 2 weeks. We brought everything in, stacks of paperwork documented with more procedures than I can even count, and the woman conducting our interview said that we had such good documentation that we should be able to start getting paid soon.


Here it is now, at the end of March--- my daughter is coming up on 5 months old, and we haven't received a penny --- all we have received are more appointments.

I've been researching whatever I can find, and unfortunately found today that my daughter may be disqualified from receiving payments due to the fact she was born mere 2 ounces over the 2lb 10 oz cut off! Keep in mind that my daughter couldn't eat for almost 5 days, and she ended up losing close to half a pound, and that she wasn't just born premature --- she was born premature AND sick with septicemia --- so sick that all the optimistic survival statisctics out there for preemies didn't apply to her.


Some people feel that prematurity doesn't warrant a disability claim, but let me break it down for you ---

At 23 weeks gestation I was hospitalized with bleeding and preterm contractions and was immediately placed on strict bed rest at home for the duration of my pregnancy which qualified me for disability for an estimated 17 weeks until my due date.

At 27 weeks my water broke, and I was then placed on hospital bed rest until my daughter was born, which by the doctors accounts could happen any minute, or still be months away. I made it 2 more weeks. I delieverd Brontë at 29 weeks via c section.

This is how it would have broken down --- had my body not deteriorated any further, and I was able to stay pregnant to term :

17 weeks of disability prior to delivery
8 weeks disability for c-section recovery
6 weeks state paid family leave

That's what by all standards I should have been paid.

Instead my even further deteriorated body and premature baby who was being kept a live by life support were awarded more medical bills and less disability - personally receiving disability for only 5 weeks out of the estimated 17, and my daughter [because of a fluke 2 ounces of water weight] hasn't received a penny, when her estimate was $768/month for her first year.

So, as it turns out, we would have received more aid from the state from being LESS disabled! How's that for a broken system?!

{slump}

I haven't wanted to write in the last week or so --- actually, that's not true --- there have been almost too many things I've wanted to write about --- too many things that have been weighing down my heart and stirring my soul --- I've made attempts to start writing at least 2 or 3 times this week, but I can't seem to bring pen to paper finger to keystroke.

Each time I have attempted to write, my thoughts are interrupted with other thoughts, other heartaches --- ferocity of obvious injustice --- personal loss --- empathetic pain for those I know and those I only know of --- tears for both specific and abstract brokenness.

Lord, teach me --- why have you given me this burdened heart?? Focus these wild emotions and refine them to reflect your heart --- Give me words for the broken, the strength to stand for those who can't do so themselves, and a voice that will speak Your truth into the void of lies this world believes.